Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Watching the News and Taping Sponge Bob

Toilet paper researchers in Wisconsin hope that if two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. The team at Georgia Pacific’s Innovation Institute in Neenah, Wisconsin, has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product. The company says the toilet paper is “ultra-soft” and plans to market it to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a “sanctuary for quality time.”                         *** There are people that use the bathroom for quality time?  They need cable.

A woman who tried to get around a ban on female drivers in Saudi Arabia by dressing up as a man was found out when she was ordered to undergo medical checks after a routine police stop. Women in Saudi Arabia must wear a veil in public and be driven around by a man.                                                                                                                            
***The tip off for police was when she stopped to ask for directions.

Be sure to drink plenty of water. This helps to prevent dehydration, which can cause confusion and memory problems. And be sure to get plenty of rest. Being tired can impair your memory as well.                                                                                         
***In other news, it’s been discovered that drinking water and getting plenty of sleep can improve your memory…

Women and young people are the most active users of social media today, and women in their 30s make up more than half of heavy contributors — that is, they engage in six or more social media activities.  That’s according to a report by Netpop Research, a San Francisco-based research firm studying Internet trends.                                               
***So… women and teenagers talk more – wow.

Scientists have recently discovered that many kinds of bacteria do not operate independently. Instead, they seem to communicate with each other and only go to work – causing an infection, for example — when they decide that they have reached the critical mass they need to get the job done.                                                                                   
*** I think they studied under the U.S. Congress.

Scientists have created a real-life thinking cap which works by zapping electricity through the brain.  The weird-looking headwear has had extraordinary results and experts believe it could help people be more creative.  The device was dreamt up by the University of Sydney’s Centre for the Mind in Australia and suppresses the left side of the brain to encourage the more creative right side into action.  But Centre director Allan Snyder said students hoping to use it to swot up before exams would be disappointed.   He said: “You wouldn’t use this to study or to help your memory.  You would use this if you wanted to look at a problem anew.”                                                                   
***Like figuring out why you can’t get dates because you look like a dork with a metal helmet on your head.

In an effort to curb school violence, Taylor Thomas was suspended from a Dayton, Ohio, middle school after bringing a dangerous weapon to class. That dangerous weapon was a double fishtail comb. Even though it’s not listed as a banned item in the school code, officials are upholding the suspension. Her mom wants the suspension revoked, and any mention of it removed from Taylor’s school records. However, school officials said they are sticking by their decision and the suspension stands.                                        
***When combs are outlawed, only outlaws will have combs!

Fast-food chain KFC is working on replacing its 50-year-old claim that its chicken is “finger-lickin’ good” as part of a menu of changes aimed at promoting healthy eating and combating its negative image.                                                                                      
***So, what body part can you lick to make it sound more healthy?

A D.C. Council member wants to highlight the city’s lack of statehood and is asking residents to pick another name for
Pennsylvania Avenue
.  Among the options on the online survey are
Let D.C. Vote Way
, 51st
State Way
Free D.C. Avenue

***Another option was to rename it “
Barack Obama Parkway
”, but then it would become a toll road and require change.

Two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons recently surveyed colleagues to find the most requested celebrity body parts, and the Star tabloid figured that if you combined them all, it should create the perfect face. To find out, they pieced together a photo of a woman with Katie Holmes’ eyes, Katherine Heigl’s nose, Keira Knightley’s cheeks, Jessica Simpson’s long blonde hair and Angelina Jolie’s lips; and a photo of a young man with Daniel Craig’s blue eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose and Matt Damon’s lips. The woman ended up looking like Jeri Ryan if she’d had too much plastic surgery, and the man looked like a young Jay Leno with a smaller chin.                                                    
***So…  Jay Leno is one chin surgery away from perfection?

What becomes of the broken-hearted? They can go to a hospital in Germany. A clinic for the broken-hearted has been set up in Germany to give emergency treatment to those who have been dumped. The clinic is mainly for love-sick teenagers who do not know how to cope with a broken heart.                                                                                            
***And they’ll tell you everything they tell everyone else.  “You’ll get over it, the pain will eventually go away, you’ll meet someone else someday, you’re too good for that person anyway, and we know that you hearing all of this doesn’t matter to you right  now, so here’s a gallon of ice cream and a spoon.”


  1. "There are people that use the bathroom for quality time? They need cable."
    (Yeah- or a good supply of Magazines.)

    Great post Kristin!

  2. Kristin:

    Drink plenty of water and get lots of sleep? If I drink plenty of water before going to bed, I won't get much sleep. Instead, I will be getting up several times during the night to micturate.

  3. Yep, Kristen wrote this post. It bears the stamp of her remarkable sense of humor. It does, however, lack rubber chickens and chicken cannons.

    We tried that extra soft TP by another company. We found that if you need to use more than 3 sheets, it tends to clog the toilet. Quality time in the bathroom, using the plunger? LOL

  4. Thanks, Scratch! Even with magazines, I can think of better places to spend my time. :)

  5. I was thinking the same thing, Whit. Probably best to just drink some coffee and stay awake.

  6. Sherry.. the chicken cannon's in the shop! It's good to see you.. looks like Blogger might be a good place to spend quality time. :)

  7. Georgia Pacific is a Koch company, it would be redundant to touch yourself there with anything from these guys.
    Interesting, you know about chicken cannon's?

  8. When camping, Kristin, use 24 ply toilet paper. Also known as a PINE CONE!!

  9. My ex husband thought the bathroom was a "sanctuary for quality time." He'd take a newpaper, a back of cigs and a couple of beers--standard camping gear. Maybe some of these ladies would like his email addy...

  10. Kristen,
    I would have recommended watching Spongebob and taping the news instead. News shows are invariably hilarious when you hit fast forward whereas Spongebob should be appreciated at normal speed. Double the entertainment that way. Of course then we would have missed your hilarious insights.